I took down my Rebel flag (which you can’t buy on EBAY any more) And peeled the National Rifle Assoc. sticker off my front window.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch group.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.

Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY)and ran it up my flag pole.

Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and several other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.

I’ve NEVER felt safer and I’m saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burka to wear when I shop or travel.

Everyone moves out of the way, and security can’t pat me down.

If they say I’m a male wearing a burka, I just say I’m feeling like a woman today.

Hot Damn…and thank God I’m safe at last.