. . . . .
Vanderleun. Need I say more?
It’s also more than a little depressing to wake up every day and find your “UNtellectuals” in The New York Times blathering on and on about how stingy and uncaring Americans are.
Hence, Americans are taking the a few years off not only to save many, many billions/trillions of dollars, but for a time of reflection and boosting of the old “self-esteem.” After all, you can’t help others unless you feel good about yourself.
And let’s face it, how can all you other nations (Egypt, The EU, Africa, South America, Mexico, and all the worthy, struggling and proud totalitarian Islamic states) feel good about yourselves when all you do is push your shabby stolen grocery carts around Washington sucking up for a hand-out? We’ve got our own American Washingtonian suck-ups working overtime as it is. Brother, these days we just cannot spare a dime or, frankly, give a damn.
You need to have a little time to develop some self-reliance. So go out and get that old self-esteem back that only comes with paying for your own defense.
We realize now that in protecting you and the world’s markets, and keeping everybody out there from killing everybody else out there, we’ve robbed you of the chance to determine your own destiny. For many of you, your destiny seems to be death, slavery, boredom, burkas or some bizarre combination of all four. Hey, we guess you’ve gotta just go for the gusto. You gotta believe!
Therefore, as Americans, we’ve decided to take a break and bag the rest of the world for about four years. That way you can sort things out without our annoying presence.
Think of it as our sabbatical from your “present difficulties.”
Please note that during our sabbatical the following policies will prevail:
1) All foreign aid is going to become internal aid, except for the occasional export of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Jimmy Carter and Barney Frank to give you the wise guidance you so desperately need. Use all of them as hand puppets in your rape-riots and don’t feel the need to return them when you are done.
2) All charitable giving is going to be directed at deserving institutions and individuals inside the United States.
3) All profits made by US companies will be only be allowed to be reinvested in facilities within the United States. (We’ll define what US companies are and any executives of such companies attempting to avoid this edict will be turned over various shadowy groups in the mountains of Afghanistan for their dining and dancing pleasure.)
4) We’re going to be reducing our current balance of trade to zero by fiat. Why? Because we can. After that, we’ll be running trade on the “one dollar in, one dollar out” basis, so if you want to come out of our sabbatical with favored nation status, you’d best have your Visa card out and ready to be charred to a crisp on the American griddle.
5) For those of you with a lot of your people already living here in the United States and sending money back, well, there’s going to be a little interruption in remittances for a year or so as those Americans “in the shadows” come out and spend or be bussed back south of Nogales pronto. Not to worry. You can just raise taxes on your own people to take up the slack, right? Enjoy.
6) Our military men will all be returning home to spend more time with their families. (Time for all you Iraqis, Koreans, Germans, Afghans, Japanese, etc. to man up and get those guns locked and loaded.)
7) As Americans, we never want to do anything to interfere with our own super-rich and their freedom, so there will be a bit of slack around the edges.
Foreign tourism, for example, will not be eliminated but will be socked with a 225% surcharge for any spending done outside the United States. It will be a great time to, as they used to say, “See the USA in your Chevrolet.” (Oh yes, foreign automobiles and those manufactured by the U.S, government containing batteries will have, for the duration, a 300% tariff on their purchase price.)
8) Oil? We’ll be drilling the entire states of Alaska, California, Texas, and Oklahoma for years along with the Pacific and the Caribbean out to about, oh, Hawaii and Columbia respectively. After which we’ll clean them up better than before because its what we do and we do it best. (Eco-nuts protesting this will be given honorary Swedish citizenship and deported via the alimentary canals of polar bears.)
But if we need extra oil and we ask, you’d better think twice before you say no. We’ll always have enough in the strategic petroleum reserve for B-52’s, B-2’s and our carrier groups. If we have to send them out away from their families, they will be, we promise you, in a bad mood. Very bad.
But, hey, it’s a free world. Make our day.
9) You got that part about the Navy (surface fleet at least) coming home, right? This means we’ll no longer be guaranteeing the safety of the sea lanes throughout the world, so if any of your tankers get lost or you see a big fleet of ships coming across the straits towards, say, Taiwan, well, call up North Korea and see if you can get a witness.
10) We’re sort of tuckered out here and not a little bit cranky because of it, so please don’t do anything that interrupts our picnics, naps and cleaning up our own place starting with the Capitol building and moving right along to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Should any of you take it in your little pin-heads to bug us, please understand that we reserve the right to, well, “over-react” and give you a live demo of how to turn sand into glass in your own backyard. (See below) Learn the inner meaning of our temporary national motto: Noli me tangere.)
If that’s too much Latin for your little minds, here’s an old favorite of ours that’s coming back into style:
We hope this message is taken in the spirit of love and friendship in which it was written. After all, we’re founded on the proposition that all men are created equal.
Go get equal. We’ll be back.
Hugs,
The United States of AmericaP.S. Since all of our Armed Forces, conventional and nuclear, will be either ready for instant deployment, or on station as ballistic missile submarines around the world (No, we’re not going to tell you where.), don’t get any funny ideas. Play nice.
P.P.S. We almost forgot. For the purposes of this note, Israel will become the 51st State for the duration. Be cool.
First published in 2007, but more needed now than ever before
I wish there was an “Unlike” button.
This post can’t be described as patriotic, but instead intolerant and xenophobic.
Great style. I would love to write that way.