WASHINGTON, D.C.—Faced with plummeting poll numbers and the realization that a rambling, semi-coherent, two-hour press conference failed to turn things around, President Biden is apparently considering a new strategy to save his floundering presidency: start World War III.

Deploying troops, warships, and aircraft to confront Russia over Ukraine is the first step in the new plan to escalate a regional conflict into a global clash between superpowers. Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Milley said, “It’ll be great. Everyone likes a good war, right? Certainly everyone I know—all the generals and defense contractors and Washington elites—they all love a good war. It’s a win-win! Unless we lose. Don’t include that last part.”  (Cont.)

UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine’s border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter’s money.

“At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son’s stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn’t want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands,” said Biden in a statement to congress. “Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind.”  (Cont.)

KIEV, UKRAINE—As Russian troops increased their threat to Ukraine’s sovereignty and independence, the Ukrainian military showed their tactical prowess by asking Kyle Rittenhouse to come and guard their border with Russia.

“Yo, Kyle, hope all is well. Hey listen, our citizens are under threat from Putin and his d-bag army,” texted Ukrainian Minister of Defense, Sergei Ukrainovich to America’s national hero, Kyle Rittenhouse. “Could u do us a solid and come guard our border? Bring ur AR-15 lol thx.”  (Cont.)