“Life causes death. Get over it.”

From the gang at I Own the World…

author unknown-

As 2010 nears the end, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using my foot or a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water because she doesn’t use her foot in the bathroom.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I’m imagining what sort of peep show booth floor would be revealed to me under a black light.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because now I use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open because rats shit and f*ck on them in the warehouse.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick kid in England who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a NYC cab driver in August.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat while I’m paying inside.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their secret recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my ass.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a butt f*cker waiting for me to bend over.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

Oh, by the way….. A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity will read this with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY…………..AND A HEALTHY LIFE…………….

“Life causes death. Get over it.”- commenter at IOTW.