Points of enlightenment:

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz

At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin Franklin