Some of these would be funnier if they weren’t so near the mark!

* My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there is a new strain out there.

* As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of … it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

 * Sorry I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

* Turns out that being a “senior” is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

* Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”

* I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

* God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round…and laughed and laughed and laughed.

* I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

* Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.

* I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

* Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out “You have reached your final destination.”

* My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

* Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling, and I’m still alive.

“If you repeat a lie often enough, people will believe it, and you will even come to believe it yourself”.

(Jen Psaki, channeling Joseph Goebbels)