ONCE UPON A TIME IN WASHINGTON A Spygate Production
(Rated R for Repeated Fabrications, Excessive Leaks, and One Very Expensive Honeypot That Wasn’t Even There)
Directed by John Brennan (The man who turned “no evidence” into a three-year blockbuster)
Executive Producers Hillary Clinton (who personally green-lit the entire franchise and still denies the script existed)
George Soros (silent partner who kept the catering budget flowing for years)
Reid Hoffman (tech billionaire who funded the sequel nobody asked for)
Produced by Fusion GPS (Glenn Simpson & Mary Jacoby) (the husband-and-wife team that turned oppo research into high art)
Screenplay by Christopher Steele & Stefan Halper (based on a true story… that they made up in a Cambridge pub)
Additional Dialogue Igor Danchenko (the anonymous source who definitely wasn’t just making stuff up at a bar)
Cinematography Stefan Halper (master of the long-lens “I wasn’t even at the dinner” shot)
Special Effects Christopher Steele (creator of the legendary “Golden Showers” sequence and the invisible “Crown Material”)
Starring (in order of appearance in this dumpster fire)
Stefan Halper as The Phantom Witness (the only man who can see an affair that never happened while not even being in the same building)
Richard Dearlove as The MI6 Godfather (organised the 2014 dinner, the 2015 Palace meeting, and probably your Uber rating)
Christopher Andrew as The Cambridge Historian Who Forgot How History Works (expert at rewriting events he actually attended)
Prince Andrew as The Royal Facilitator(cameo appearance at Buckingham Palace – “just popping in to say hello… and maybe pass a note”)
Hillary Clinton as The Original Green-Lighter (“Let’s make Trump the Russian puppet – take two!”)
James Comey as The Man Who Couldn’t Close a Case (kept “RAZOR” open longer than most marriages)
Peter Strzok as Insurance Policy Guy * (with special guest star Lisa Page as Texting While Plotting)
Andrew McCabe as The Guy Who Forgot to Tell the Truth
John Brennan as The Architect (also known as “The Man Who Briefed Obama on the Thing That Definitely Wasn’t a Hoax”)
Susan Rice as The Meeting Note-Taker Who Suddenly Forgot How to Take Notes
Jake Sullivan as The Eternal Advisor *(married to Maggie Goodlander as The Durham Gatekeeper)
Marc Elias as The Perkins Coie Money Printer
Michael Sussmann as The Guy Who Lied to the FBI About Not Working for the Clinton Campaign (But Totally Was)
Kevin Clinesmith as The Email Editor (Oscar for Best Alteration of a Single Character)
Emmet Sullivan as The Judge Who Just Needed One More Amicus Brief
Amy Berman Jackson as The Stern But Fair Referee (for the Manafort & Stone spin-offs)
Rudolph Contreras as The Recused Best Friend of Peter Strzok
Guest Stars (The Media All-Stars)
Carol Leonnig & Ken Dilanian as The Dynamic Duo of Convenient Leaks
Matthew Rosenberg & Adam Goldman as The New York Times Truth Adjusters
David Ignatius as The Post-Natal Pressure Specialist
Luke Harding as The Guardian’s “I’ll Retract It Later”
Correspondent Stephanie Kirchgaessner & Gordon Corera as The British Echo Chamber
Malcolm Nance & Joy Reid as Twitter’s Most Trusted Russian-Spy Spotters
Supporting Cast (The Cambridge Caper Crew)
Steven Schrage as The PhD Student Who Accidentally Recorded Everything
Cofer Black as The Black-Ops Best Boy
Vyacheslav Trubnikov as The Paid Russian Who Definitely Wasn’t a Prop
Vincent Stewart as The DIA Successor Who Just Happened to Be at the Dinner
The Legal Fixers
Norm Eisen as The Impeachment Script Doctor
Kathy Ruemmler as The Epstein-Adjacent White House Counsel
Loretta Lynch as The Tarmac Meeting Coordinator
Eric Holder as The Best Friend of Epstein’s Lawyer Crew & Supporting Technicians (the unsung heroes who made the hoax look real)
Best Boy / Gaffer – Alan Kohler (kept the lights on during the Mar-a-Lago cover-up)
Sound Design – Bruce & Nellie Ohr (the husband-wife team that made backchannel leaks sound perfectly legal)
Catering – George Soros & Reid Hoffman (kept the entire production fed for eight straight years)
Runners – David Kramer & Adam Waldman *(delivered the dossier to every important doorstep in D.C.)
Location Manager – Cambridge University (where none of this actually happened… according to the official story)
Visual Effects Supervisor – The Entire FBI 7th Floor (specialists in making “nothing” look like “something”)
Continuity Editor – James Boasberg & the FISA Court (made sure the same fake story stayed consistent across four warrants)
Post-Production – Avril Haines & Lisa Monaco (expert at reclassifying anything embarrassing)
And introducing in her Washington debut…
Svetlana Lokhova as Herself – The Innocent Bystander Who Refused to Stay Quiet
Based on a True Story (that the FBI, CIA, and half of Washington spent years trying to pretend wasn’t true)
The End
(or is it? Tune in for the 2025 Declassification Sequel – now streaming on Truth Social)
Roll credits. And remember: in Hollywood… and in Washington… it’s never a conspiracy when the good guys do it.
Created by Fishwishdish on X
